Fortune teller

A month back, while looking for a new job, I found an interesting ad. A fortune teller was needed in Getafe. Why Getafe, I could not explain. As far as I know, they are as fortunate as everyone else in Madrid. Except maybe for the fact that they are living in Getafe. That could be it, I guess. Anyway…as soon as I saw it, I knew I could do it. The first thought was actually “I see it”. I was already on the fortune teller mood. I updated my cv with special knowledge for this field, added a few courses about white magic and black magic, just in case (I did not want to appear as a racist), wrote a presentation letter with…well, almost everything I could remember from the lessons from Trelawney from Harry Potter, and I sent it. Fingers crossed? No need. It was written, I could feel it. 

A day later, which I used to read about horoscopes, signals in tea leaves, and everything I could think of, I received a phone call from the company. They wanted to make an interview. “Are you sure we need to go through an interview? I can tell I am the right person for the job”. They did not. I am guessing that HR are not experts on such stuff. So I got an interview for the next day. 

I went to Getafe to make the interview and to know the company better. Big spaces, with dozens of workspaces with people telling fortune. There was a lottery seller from the ONCE (The national organisation of blind Spanish) in the street. He may be blind but he knew where to get the fortune for his numbers. 

I went into an office with the manager, a woman from HR and a giant poster of the woman behind the business, a famous fortune teller from tv. The people working there was part of her team; they had learned from her (supposedly), and they were giving to the World their gift in exchange for a relatively high phone bill (money is not important when it comes to put your mind to rest, right?).  The interview started. “I can see you have made several courses regarding magic”. “Of course you can see it, but you do not need my cv for that, do you?”. It may sound a joke, but if you do that, completely serious, followed by a long silence and just staring…it works. I can tell they were scared and interested at the same time. Just what I needed. So they invited me to make a test day on Monday. Perfect. 

I tried to learn everything I could over the weekend, but…I am really bad when it comes to dates. I  have heard they had made up a new horoscope sign a couple of years back, so…why shall we  stop there? I do know a bit about mythology, so I just thought I could make up a few new ones as well. For example, Heraes. The people born under this sign tend to be jealous sometimes, but they are right. If you are a Heraes and think that your partner is cheating, he/she/it probably is. They are kind of vindictive, but also quite creative and originals in that task. Or Ariadnos. People under this sign usually find the way out of problems. At the end, they may feel abandoned by those they trusted. I also added a few ones just for fun, like Catno. People under this sign tend to ignore other people’s feelings and to get away from displays of affections, but somehow they get  into your heart. They also like to see things fall from any surface. I was ready. 

On Monday, once again, I went to Getafe. I really could not tell was my the fortune was trying to tell me by putting my workplace there, but…who knows. I mean…I knew. Just not yet. Anyway, I made it, and I was ready to face my phone calls. My bosses would be listening to my calls and reviewing them later; after that, they would tell me if I was finally getting the job. They handed me a small script with a few basic notes. Most of them were related to the famous fortune teller, but I had already decided that, in order to get a more credible character, I would have to change that. There is no way Tv is my teacher. My mum did not spend my entire childhood luring me away from Tv with books for this. So…I was going to be a disciple from the most famous families from the past century Russia. No the Romanov. Too many of those. My ancestor was going to be Rasputin. Why? First of all, it would allow me to use my magnificent fake Russian accent. Second of all…it seemed at the moment an interesting topic if I ran out of conversation during the phone call. 

First call. Kind of nervous, to be honest. A nice grandma. Great. I am great with grandmas. They love me in my grandparents nursing home. Not a lot of competence, to be honest, but they love when I pretend to be the grandchildren of the oldies with Alzheimer, and then we all laughed when we tell them I am not. Sometimes is sad, but is funny for most of the grandparents there so…comedy implies sacrifice, right? Back to the call. “I would like to know”.. “Well, good morning, first of all”. “Oh, yeah, good morning”. “Have you had a good night sleep? Probably don´t, right?”. “Right! How can you tell?”. Well…old, calling a fortune teller at 10 am… “It is written in the cards”. “Oh, of course. So…I would like to know if my grandson is going to find a job soon. Their parents are kind of worried”. “No, I am sorry”. “Oh, is it written as well?”. “Yes, but in the newspapers. It is the economy. So sorry. Anything else I can do for you?”. “Well…you could tell me when the economic thing is going to end, so I can tell my grandchild…”. “I do not think that is a good idea…he is going to be waiting around until it ends?”. “Well, I do not see how is that…”. “A teen with free time? That is only going one way: drugs”. “Oh, I see” “Yes…that is something that we all can see”. “Well, thank you for telling me the future”. “And…..?” “Saving my grandchild from drugs?”. “Do not thank me. Thank my gift. Bye”. 

Well, first call done. I was feeling pretty confident. I was ready for a rest. But the phone would not stop ringing. So I picked it up. And…hang it down. I really needed a rest. As soon as I did that gesture the manager appeared. “Have you hang up on one of our clients?”. “Yes, I have. I need a rest”. “Answering the phone too much?”. “I need to be rested for every call. Do not want to mix the signals. It may sound bad at the present, but wonderful for the future”. “From now on, no more hanging the phone up. Every call is money, and we do not like wasting it. Not now, not in the future”. Good one, I thought. So I picked the phone up again, ready or not for a new client. 

“Good morning. I am Rostova, descendant from Rasputin. How may I help you?”. I could feel that the introduction had shocked him. A few seconds passed. “May I be transferred to another desk or…whatever?”. “I am not sure I can do that…also we do not like to waste money in this company, and putting you through to another desk would be a waste for us and you. I can assure you, I am the best at this. Give me a chance. What do you want to know?”. “Well, I…I am dating this girl and…I was wondering…her birthday is coming, and…well, money is running short and I am thinking…if this just a fling I would prefer to save the money”. “Ok, let me check the cards…”.  I put the cards really close to the phone and started to hit the phone with the cards. Just adding a bit of realism. “Well…we have…an old man with money…lets call him Scrooge…and this one…well, it is a…I want to say it is a well”. “What is the meaning of that?” “If you spend your money it will be like throwing it into a well?”. “Oh, that’s…ok”. “She is going to leave you, mr romantic. So make yourself a favour and go break before is your heart the broken one”. “Wow, deep. Just like the well. Thanks”. 

Total jerk. A girl out there was on her quest for a better life and companion. The avenger side of the job just added more fun to my task. Next call! 

“Good morning. Rostova talking. I bring the knowledge of Mother Russia about the future to your service. Enlighten me, parents from the past! Let this humble servant guide the people into this world of darkness”. Whoever was calling hang up on me. I should see that coming, my bad. Next one! 

“Good morning. I am Rostova, distant relative from Rasputin. How may I help you?”. “Good morning. I am leaving for the coast this weekend. I just wanted to know what weather is expected”. “You know there is hundred of Apps for that, right? As well as a section in the news”. “I do not trust science”. “Good call. Well, let me see…ok…the first card is a…it seems like a extinct animal”. “A unicorn?”. “Well, it has to exist in order to extinct”. “I see”. “So, next card is…death. Ok”. “Am I going to die”. “Probably. Because is going to be hot! Cheer up, death card never means death. That would be too easy. No, it means…do not wear dark clothes, Because it is going to be hot”. “And the extinct animal?”. “Global warming. It is a hotness produced by man”. “Oh, mother nature is just like me!”. “Right…so…do not forget your solar cream. And to recycle”.  “Sure, thanks”.

I was getting bored again. It wasn’t being really a challenge. All the people calling were actually into the tarot stuff. Maybe I should try to turn things around. I did not want my job to be an easy one, and I really wanted to make to show off all my abilities in the calls. I had to step up. 

Next call. Young girl in her twenties. “Good morning. I am Rostova. How may I help you”. “Hi, Rostova. I was wondering…if you could give me some overview over my love live for the rest of the year”. “What do you want?”. “An overview…” “No no no, I mean…what are you looking for?”. “Oh…not sure…someone smart, funny…not like the boys I have been dating so far”. “Who are those boys?”. “Just…part of my group of friends”. “You still go out with that group of friends?”.  “Of course”. “Well, that is the problem. To get a different fish you need to change pond. Just…go out with different people. Someone different will appear”. “Wow, the cards are wise. Thank you”.  “No no no, it was not the cards. It was just…”. “Magic, is not it? How wonderful the universe is, leading me this way”. “No, it was not magic. Sometimes you just…”. “I thank you, forces of destiny, for putting you in my way with this enlighten answer and I promise I would sacrifice a virgin…”. I hang up. Did not want to be implicated in a crime. I guess I have made the minimum time with that call, because my boss did not appear this time. 

Ok, next call. It was weird from the beginning. Before I could say anything, I could listen, clearly, “they picked it up. Just press rec”. It was intriguing, I could tell that those recording were not the bosses. I displayed my best act. “Good morning. I am Rostova. The blood of Rasputin run through my veins and his learning is imprinted in my skin. Many days have been passed waiting for this call, because it is you the chosen one to collect all the knowledge you are about to receive. Ask me whatever you think you need to know, and I will guide you trough your doubts to allow your soul to rest”. “Ok. My name is…Michael”. Ok, not original so far. I again listened a second voice further from the phone. “What the hell!”. “What the hell?”. I repeated. “Yes…it is…my last name”. “What the hell?”. “Yes, it is from…it is a foreign last name. It is pronounced whathéhell. The accent is in the middle”. “Ok, Michael Whathéhell. What do you want to know?”.  “What don’t you tell me?”. “Michael, Michael, Michael…you want to know what we all want to know. Is there a purpose for me in life? Am I doing what I want to do or is there any destiny written? And I can tell…no. You are free. There is no destiny for you. Because you have no purpose. No one does. Except for me and a few ones”. “Ok”. He seemed sad and a bit confused. So far so good. Again the other voice: “She is lying about being chosen, keep asking her!”. “So she wasn’t lying about me not having a purpose in life? That is why you dumped me?”. “Do you really want to discuss it now?”. “You are the one who broke up with me five minutes ago”. “Yes, because I do have a purpose”. “I can not deal with this right now. If you want to, you speak with her”. “I can not believe this…can you be a bit professional?”. “Oh, that is funny, coming from the woman who has shagged half of the team. Yes, they told me!”. I was totally engaged with the story. But Michael was not, for some reason. “Look, Mrs…Prostova?”. “Rostova”. “Yes, sorry. Thank you so much, you have really helped me, and…”. “Michael. Michael. Listen to me. It seems…I can sense…there is something troubling you”. “Can you sense it?”. “She has been listening!”. “I have not!…eh…been listening…to the…eh…to the forces of the universe…in vain! I hope. Michael…talk to me”. “It is my girlfriend”. A loudly sigh coming from the distant voice. I was having the time of my life. “Yes, you do not trust her anymore, do not you?”. “It is being hard at the moment, yes. I have been hearing voices telling me she has cheated on me. No like your, from the universe, but regular ones. So…yeah”. “So sorry for that. How long has this been going on?”.  “Like…half a year?”. “And why have not you ended the relation?”. “Because…I love her”. “But don´t you love yourself?” .“I love her more”. The distant voice came back. “You never told me”. “I did not want to pressure you”. “But you never introduced me to your parents”. “I keep telling you, they are dead”. “Oh…I keep forgetting that”. “That is what I love about you. You asking me about my dead parents…it makes me feel like I have a family again”. “Oh, Michael”. “Oh Genevieve”.  Kissing sounds. How lovely. Followed by sounds quite a bit disturbing. “Spank me, naughty boy”.  “Hope your parents are enjoying this”. I hang up…after a few minutes. I did not keep on listening, but I kept the call on. That way I could have a rest. 

Next call…after 45 minutes. Good for Michael and Genevieve. “Good morning. I am Rostova. Matchmaker. Cupid´s assistant. What can I do for you?”. “Hi, I am Mr…Whatever”. “Ok, Mr Whatever. Getting personal. Like it. What do you need my assistance for?”. “I may have signed some documents…something legal, of course”. “Well, lets have the cards decide that”. “As long as the cards decide and not a judge I am ok”. “Ooooook. And…?”. “And…some companies may get some benefit from that”. “Ooook. And?”. “And I may have invested in those companies before signing those documents under my child’s name”. “Ok, it does not sound legal at all. It sounds like you have been behaving badly”. “Oh, yes, I have been bad”. “Sorry?”. Yes, I have been a bad boy. Should you punish me?”. “Genevieve?”. “sure, you can call me what you want”. “No, no, this is not this kind of call”. “Sorry, just…a lot of pressure right now. I thought that all these…phone services were connected somehow”. “No, I just do what the forces of destiny tell me to do” “And do they want to punish me?” “No, not at all. No. Not even close. No no no. No way. Nop. Oh! Wait. Yes, they do”. “Really? What are you wearing?”. “Nop, no that way. You are going to lose all your money. And…probably this call is going to appear in some trial at some point. Forces of the universe. Nothing I can do”. “No, but this is…this is confidential, right?”. “Do I sound like a priest to you?”. “No, you sound like a bad girl that…”. I hang up again. 

My test day was finally ended. Surprisingly, although I had got quite a few long calls, I was rejected. It seems that Mrs Rostova, Rasputin´s relative, was not a fit for a company whose founder claimed to be a descendant from the Russian Royal family. But I got what I really wanted, for Michael and Genevieve to be together again. Mission accomplished.